Broken Beginnings
by web of light
Summary: One Relationship ends as Another Begins. I want to send a big thank you out to the inhabitants of Deck Nine for their help with this.
1. Chapter 1

"So, have you heard?" Harry asked.

The unusually crowded mess hall was not helping the headache B'Elanna had brought with her from Engineering. Why had she come here instead of going straight to her quarters? B'Elanna didn't want to visit Sickbay because she had heard the Doctor was in one of his more garrulous moods. In all fairness to him when she was in pain she tended to snap at people for small offenses and he didn't deserve to be the object of her petty wrath.

Not noticing her disinterest he continued on. "Kes and Neelix broke up," his declaration caused her to forget about the pain for a few seconds. The alien couple had been a constant fixture on Voyager, ever since the early days of this weird journey home. Harry nodded in affirmation of his own words. "It's true. She broke it off."

"What happened? Did they have a fight?" She asked. Thinking back over the past two years B'Elanna couldn't remember a single harsh word between them. "Neelix gave her everything she wanted. He was willing to have a child with her…"

"I think, that might have been part of the problem. I mean she looks the same to us but, internally, she's growing up, and I don't think Neelix was ready for that. I suspect he wanted her to stay the innocent young woman we rescued on Ocampa. Maybe she found that to be a bit too much, but that's just my guess. I don't know anything.

"So how is Neelix taking it?" Even though it hurt her head to move she shifted around in her seat so she could see into the galley. Neelix was there, going about his usual routine.

"He's sad but seems to be holding up OK."

"So, I wonder how long it will be before Tom moves in on her," B'Elanna asked. She really wasn't expecting an answer, but the question did bring up an idea in her head. True, Tom was just a field medic, but he could dispense something for this headache. Surely he would understand her wanting to avoid the Doctor.

"I don't know," Harry said. His spoon was almost to his mouth but he stopped, replacing it on his dish as he pondered her question. "All he said when I mentioned it was 'oh that's too bad' or something. I was surprised that he didn't seem more interested. He really had a thing for her at one time."

"I know. Everybody knew." B'Elanna started to laugh but felt something twinge right above her right eyebrow. Damn it. Taking a moment to rub it she noted Kes enter the mess hall and walk over to the replicator, thus avoiding a visit the counter. Neelix saw her, stopped what he was doing, and just for a moment gave the impression that he was going to say something. His attention, however, was diverted by another crewman asking for a helping of today's special.

B'Elanna took a moment to watch Kes. The Ocampan was so pretty, her personality warm and open. It was little wonder that Tom had become enchanted with her. Maybe he was still carrying a torch for her and would make up for lost time now that she was free.

Neelix kept glancing over at his former partner. Things must still be awkward between them. Been there and done that! It won't be easy stuck on this ship together. Kes sat down alone on the far side of the room. "I always thought it was a good lesson in humility for Tom, that Kes preferred Neelix to him," B'Elanna said.

"It was," Harry said. This time, the spoon full of casserole made it to his mouth. He chewed for a moment and then swallowed great effort. "But in the end, it was his decision to back off. Not to try and create waves."

"Surprisingly grown up of him. Well, maybe good things will come to those who wait and all that."

"Eh, she may not want another relationship so soon. You know how it is." Harry struggled to chew and swallow another bite of whatever it was. B'Elanna contented herself with sipping her water wondering if she could trust herself to eat.

"I've had about all of this I can take. I still don't know what this. " His plate was still half full. She smiled through her pain. "I'll see you later." He said. He took his tray to the bin as he exited, leaving B'Elanna alone.

She had just about made up her mind to spend the rest of her break in her quarters when the door opened and there was Tom. For a long time now, B'Elanna had forced herself to look past Tom's looks and focus on his behavior but once in a while, she would catch herself admiring the man himself and wishing he was anyone else but the flirty, mostly annoying Tom Paris. Right now was one of those moments.

Did she imagine a tiny lull in the conversation, then whispers and furtive glances over in Kes' direction? Tom seemed oblivious to all this as he walked to the counter, gathered his food and said a few words to Neelix. His eyes went over the room, barely glancing over Kes until he saw B'Elanna. A smile went across his face as he came to join her, surprising her and judging by the shock on some of their faces, everyone else in the mess hall. She didn't know what they were thinking and at that moment didn't care. Her head hurt too much.

"So, how's it going?" he asked. He would be cheerful today, and she didn't want to admit it, but he did have a way of making a bad day better. She decided to get straight to the point.

"Not too good." She leaned forward so no one else would hear her. "I was wondering if you could help me." The smile stayed on his face. His eyelids tilted upwards and she could swear he was about to wink.

"Sure, what's the problem?" He leaned forward in return, still smiling but now he was wearing what she called his 'conspiratorial' look. That wide-eyed I'm about to do mischief expression.

"I have a throbbing headache and I am really not up to talking to the Doctor…."She rubbed her forehead for emphasis. The smile disappeared, replaced by instant concern. The swift change in his expression caught her off guard.

"That's understandable. I've been doing my best to avoid him myself."

"And I really don't want to bother Kes at the moment." She wasn't sure why she mentioned that. Did she want to see his reaction?

"That's also understandable and very considerate of you." Nothing in his face changed. His attention was fixed on her. That unnerved her a bit but she didn't know why.

"I was wondering if you could…" she began.

"Of course I can. I think the Doctor is deactivated at the moment. We'll go over to sickbay right now and I'll-"

"No, you eat first. I've put up with it for this long, I can put up with it a little while longer."

"There's no need for you to sit and suffer. Come on." She hesitated for a moment, but he actually stood up, waving his hand slightly indicating that she should get up from the table. He was so insistent that she gave in.

She took one last glance around the room, noting Kes was still alone at her table, lost in her own thoughts. The noise level had gone way down to almost nothing and she couldn't help but notice the perplexed looks on the faces of the rest of the crew as she followed Tom out of the room.

Walking with him to sickbay random thoughts about what just happened overwhelmed the hurt in her head. Tom might have moved on from what was simply an infatuation, or maybe he was allowing Kes time to emotionally recover from her first breakup. Tom Paris, finally making mature choices. About time. B'Elanna couldn't imagine any other reason for his behavior but one, and that one was so silly she allowed the pain to come back so she could push it away.


	2. 2 The Moment-Tom

_Well, this isn't what I had planned._

Who could have predicted that Vorik of all people would sweep B'Elanna away from the group with just a few word or that Harry would have issues because his favorite hologram dared speak to someone else? Tom didn't even consider following Harry. He had done his best, and if his friend chose to remain stuck in some impossible infatuation he would just have to find his own way out.

Tom wasn't used to standing alone at a party, but fortunately, that situation didn't last long. One of the more attractive dancers came up to him, offering him a drink. She was a petite dark haired woman, one of Neelix's creations. Things had turned out the way he had intended, but talking to her was better than standing around alone looking like a reject. Her attentiveness was programmed, but at the moment that didn't matter. They wandered off together through the crowd, settling for a random table. Sitting down, Tom gazed out over the beautiful vista of the ocean. Neelix had outdone himself.

His eyes swept through the crowd, noting with amusement how some of the most hardcore crew members turned into party animals once they were off duty, except for Tuvok of course, who was over there discussing who knows what with Marayna. Tom continued to take in all the sights and sounds when his casual observations came to a full stop, much to his own annoyance. He wouldn't have sat down here if he had known this position gave him an unobstructed view of B'Elanna and Vorik, sitting at a table on the upper level. The location Vorik had picked out because B'Elanna liked it. Tom almost felt a pang of sympathy for her, being forced to spend the evening with the stuck up Vulcan, but it went away immediately. She knew this was supposed to be a group thing, and Tom had half expected her to wave the Vulcan off, the same way she had done when he himself had tried to find a way to be alone with her. Watching B'Elanna up there with Vorik made Tom feel empty.

The dancer, named Tiffany, was at that moment talking about Pacifica, a Federation water world. Humans liked to visit there because the amphibian inhabitants had an unusual attraction to them, similar to the way humans felt drawn toward Deltans. Once again, Tom gave Neelix props for doing his research. Water worlds were fascinating, so he let her talk.

Loud laughter pulled his attention. Someone had started a conga line and it was weaving in and out between the tables. Pulling his seat in to make room for them, Tom's eyes went upward where he found himself staring straight at B'Elanna. She did look smashing. He could have spent the whole evening in her company. Tom wouldn't have minded sharing her attention, as long as they were together. Their eyes stayed locked for a few moments before he looked away.

Any enthusiasm Tom might have felt for this outing drained out of him in that moment. B'Elanna preferred the company of a Vulcan to his. Vorik was handsome as Vulcans go, and he was an engineer, so they had that in common. It was still a bit strange. Tom knew from experience that Vulcans and Klingons normally avoided each other. Childhood of memories of being forced to attend too many diplomatic receptions resurfaced. He had often observed the smug superior way both species looked down on one another. What was amusing about it was those people were diplomats who were trying to be civil. But then, maybe, the two of them would beat the odds, if that was what B'Elanna wanted.

Then Tom considered the fact that she was also half human. Vorik had gone out of his way to find out her favorite place in the resort and he had not. Tom had created the Lake Como program and hadn't even bothered to ask her if she liked sailing. Whatever it was he was doing, he was doing it wrong. Before, if a woman didn't like his approach he would shrug it off and move on. Now he couldn't.

The party, Tiffany's friendly chatter, and the sound of the surf could not drown out the hard truth. Nothing he would do would ever impress B'Elanna. She was a lost cause, just as he realized she even was a cause. Even if Tom hadn't known it at the time, all his attempts hadn't been harmless flirtations. They had been real, but in the end, none of it mattered.

It was painfully obvious that nothing was ever going to come of this relationship except friendship, right at the moment when Tom realized he wanted more. He wouldn't tell her of course, there was no need for her to know. It was a small ship, they had to work together. No sense in making things awkward. Tom drained his glass, made his apologies to Tiffany and left the holodeck.

After sitting down with Vorik, B'Elanna remembered the original conversation with him in engineering the other day. She had been distracted, giving him halfhearted answers. Looking back at the mostly one-sided discussion, she realized her words might have been taken in a way that she did not mean _._ _Damn it, stuck here with him is NOT the way I wanted to spend this evening!_

She watched Harry walk out in a huff leaving Tom alone. B'Elanna could have invited him to join them, but Tom would have found a way to take over the conversation, goading Vorik the same way he did Tuvok. One of the holographic dancers approached Tom with a drink and of course, he accepted. That left her feeling a bit unsettled, but with nothing else to do she turned back to her companion.

Vorik was a capable officer, handsome…and boring as hell. She could understand how some humans could be attracted to Vulcans and their ways but even if she were fully human she would not be one of them. Her Klingon side needed someone to push back. Vorik wouldn't do that. He wouldn't see the logic in it. B'Elanna needed someone like...she wouldn't let herself finish the thought.

The view from the upper patio was beautiful but B'Elanna's eyes were drawn downward, to the table where Tom was sitting with the dancer. The holo- character appeared to be very chatty, but Tom was barely saying a word. _He's probably angry at us. I can't say that I blame him._ B'Elanna had teased Tom about his shirt, but it did look nice on him. She should have told him.

Someone was forming a conga line, and she watched in amusement as it weaved through the crowd, coming close to Tom's table. He shifted his chair to get out of the way, causing his eyes to sweep upward and catch B'Elanna looking at him. There was no smile on his face, no sign of recognition, nothing. It was like he didn't see her at all.

B'Elanna seethed on the inside at Tom's obvious snub all the while attempting her best to be polite to Vorik. Her answers to his questions were short and clipped, almost rude but in his Vulcan way he didn't seem to notice.

She made her excuses to Vorik and got up from the table, intent on going over to talk to Tom, to give an apology about how things had turned out with an explanation of how Vorik had just taken her by surprise. Before she got there, Tom whispered a few words to the dancer and without so much as a look around, left the holodeck.

 _What is the matter with him? It's not my fault!_ A possible reason for his behavior slipped into her thoughts. _It couldn't be. No, he was just upset that everyone had left him alone and he wasn't the center of attention. That's what that was all about. It couldn't possibly be anything else_


	3. Chapter 3

Marayna's nebula faded into the distance. B'Elanna should be in engineering overseeing the damage, but she wanted to be on the bridge when Voyager resumed the course for home. She sat at her station, her fingers on the console, doing her best to ignore the information crawling across the panel, reminding her to go below and join her team.

The view screen displayed normal space. After every adventure a sense of calm would spread through the ship, replenishing each crew member with new energy. This time it didn't reach B'Elanna. Something about this whole incident left her uneasy. The injuries to her throat and neck no longer bothered her, but her arms still ached from fighting off that possessed holographic dancer. Memories of their last misadventure refused to go away.

"I'm glad that's over," Harry said. B'Elanna couldn't mentally castigate Harry over his lack of tact considering all the troubles her own mouth caused at times. Not knowing what she expected, she risked a glance at Tuvok. The Vulcan appeared to be as stoic as ever.

The Captain, Chakotay, and all the rest of the officers went back to their duties. The ambient noise, the gentle murmur of whispers, even the movements of the crew resumed their clockwork rhythm, except for Tom. He always looked more relaxed than anyone on the bridge while up there at the helm. From her position, B'Elanna had a clear view of the pilot. Casually swinging his chair over to the navigational side, Tom entered something in the system, and then swung back around to the conn. He could have been on a carnival ride. She shifted in her seat, briefly considering staying her on the bridge for the rest of her shift. No one would question her choice out loud because she could easily monitor the work from her present position, but she knew they would secretly wonder why she was here. She had no answer for that herself.

She was a Starfleet Engineer. She had responsibilities. "Time for me to go below," she said. The Captain, studying something on a pad, nodded in her general direction. No one else took note except Tom. With a quick glance over his shoulder, he sent her a good-natured grin.

Inside the turbo lift, she continued to resist the pull to stay. Did she consider the bridge a safe place? She immediately dismissed that idea. She was no safer there than anyplace else on the ship.

As she approached engineering the doors parted and walking with determined steps she entered her department, which was brightly lit. Everyone not monitoring a console was working in front of an open panel. No one stopped when she entered, except Joe Carey, who gave her a report of their progress so far. Minor damage, repairs on schedule. He offered a few suggestions, which she approved. He returned to work while B'Elanna retreated to her upper workstation. From here she monitored their progress and the rest of the ship's operations, but images from that fight on the holodeck kept distracting her.

A few hours later B'Elanna reported to the captain via the com system. Repairs complete. Voyager could resume normal operations. Still no matter how much she threw herself into her work, that 'thing' haunted her all morning. Time passed and eventually she heard the soft ding of the chronometer announcing her break time.

Passing the holodeck on the way to mess hall she noticed the resort program still running. Maybe what she was feeling was some weird form of post-traumatic stress? There was one way to find out. Inside the holodeck, the resort was the same as it had been. Scantily clad holo-characters wandered about, talking to the crew and sharing drinks with them. A group played a game at the edge of the water. No flashbacks of sudden terror, not even when a dancer walked toward her with a lei. B'Elanna waved off allowing the dancer to place it around her neck, opting instead to take it from her so she could hold it out in front of her and study it. Apart from being a would-be murder weapon, did it symbolize something? Flowers, strength-

"Visiting the scene of the crime?" The sound caused her to jump. Tom had somehow managed to sneak up on her. B'Elanna flushed, feeling angry at herself for being startled. She wanted to stuff the lei away somewhere even though there was no reason to. She knew her reaction, her red face, everything would come across as awkward, and for the first time in a long time, that bothered her.

When she didn't answer he took the flower necklace from her, giving it a careful examination. "I'm sorry. Didn't mean to startle you. I was just joking. Are you alright?" His voice turned gentle. He would notice everything. B'Elanna couldn't bring herself to look at him. "Maybe it's not a good idea for you to be here so soon after everything happened," he continued. "That was a tense situation we got caught up in, it's only normal to feel some kind of after effects. Maybe Chakotay or Tuvok could help…"

"No, I'll be alright. I was just thinking how we could prevent something like that from happening again. I mean, there should be some kind of backdoor command we could program." She congratulated herself for coming up with the idea on the spur of the moment. She forced herself to look at him. He creased his forehead and set his lips in a hard straight line. He didn't seem to be convinced.

"I'm sure that between you and Harry, you can come up with something," he said. "Are you sure you're ok? You look kind of…"

"I said I'm ok!" B'Elanna snapped. Tom took a step back, holding up his hands in surrender as the lei dangled from the fingers of his right hand.

"Ok. I believe you." He let his hands fall back down to his sides. "I want to say one thing and I promise I won't mention it again. I'm grateful for your Klingon genes. When that character attacked you-and I couldn't get to you…"

 _And I couldn't get to you either. I watched you get thrown down and beaten and I couldn't help you. I wanted to save you. I can't imagine my life without you…._

B'Elanna's thoughts rushed through her brain like a runaway shuttle, causing her to lose herself in the moment. A hard truth hit her. B'Elanna wanted to stay on the bridge because Tom was there and she wanted to be where he was, even it meant staring at him while he played with the controls. She didn't want to be in a place where he was beyond her reach.

She sat down hard on the ledge of a nearby large brick planter. Tom knelt beside her, taking her hand. "I know you like to come across as tough, and not needing anyone," he said. "And most of the time, that's true, but even the toughest person can reach a breaking point. I think you should go see Chakotay and…"

"I told you I'm fine!" B'Elanna snapped. He didn't seem to be offended by her outburst. He was still holding her hand. She allowed herself a moment to experiencing the pressure of his warm skin against hers. She should snatch it away. She should leave, but she couldn't. She wanted to hold onto him just a little longer. There was no need to be mean to him. She wanted to keep him there, safe beside her, but the fact that he was focused on something that had nothing to do with what was actually going on was both irritating, and a relief. Taking a deep breath B'Elanna continued. "Maybe, maybe you're right," she said, deliberately softening her voice. "That experience did affect me, in ways I didn't expect."

 _I love you. I didn't know it until I thought I was going to lose you…_

The sun was shining in the exact right position to highlight his eyes, his hair, everything good about him. From somewhere deep inside an urge to bite him on the cheek surfaced. Her Klingon side knew what was happening and accepted it. This time, her human half was putting up a fight. For a moment she was perfectly balanced between desire and fear.

"I'll talk to Chakotay. I promise." She would. B'Elanna would talk to him about some petty personal issues she was having with her crew, so the next time she saw Tom, she could tell him she had 'talked' to Chakotay. Then things would go back to the way they were. She would not spend time on the bridge when it wasn't necessary, just to be close to him, nor would she look up his schedule to see where he was and what he was doing. No more inviting herself to sit beside him in the mess hall. B'Elanna couldn't let her guard down because her more aggressive side might slip out. The Klingon part of her wanted to drown herself in his essence but that couldn't happen. If he ever her saw that side of her-she didn't want to think about it. The Klingon in her argued back that she needed to do all those things if she was determined to protect him.

"Ok. Just take care of yourself, ok? And I'm here if you need anything." In one swift moment, Tom managed to remove his hand while offering back the lei. "I've got to get back to the bridge. Maybe I'll see you in the mess hall this evening?"

B'Elanna nodded, taking the lei, holding onto it as she watched him leave the resort.

 _This can't be happening. People don't fall in love like this._ B'Elanna's hands gripped the flowers so hard she hurt herself. A riot of emotions released inside her. Fear of abandonment, fear of everything, in turn, countered by the joy she felt as Tom held her hand, asked about her well-being, and his invitation to see her this evening.

 _This is happening._ B'Elanna didn't know what to do about it but judging from past experience she would hold the truth close. She might even manage to convince herself it wasn't real. She didn't know how things would turn out but B'Elanna already knew, like everything else in her life, love would be a struggle.


End file.
